Laying my anxiety on the table

This a subject I don’t see a lot on, so I figured I should share. All in thanks mainly to some very brave mommas that decided to share their experiences on fb, blogs and forums.

I’m generally a well balanced person,  I let go of a LOT of dramatic ways around the time I hit my 30s. My basic friend rules are as follows: If you aren’t a good person to have around then you aren’t in my life, if you only talk to me to stir the pot then you will be ejected. If you are a taker and never give anything to our friendship then I keep my distance, knowing I’m only getting a call if you need something. I give friends three chances, but I don’t allow myself to be burned a fourth. I no longer fight for friendships that don’t exist.

With such a high tolerance I thought I had everything figured out…. until I had my daughter. The first 5 days in the hospital, I was scared to be left alone with this child so much so that I was hysterically crying the night they left her in my room. Between the pain from the c-section and the overall fear of just having a child, I kept being told it was my hormones.  Then came release day, I over dressed my January baby to face the freezing world and bundled her carefully on the carseat. Everything looked perfect. We took pictures, all smiling, loving pictures but on the inside I was panicking that this hospital was just going to let me go home.

I was lucky enough to have a baby nurse for the first three weeks from my arrival home. With the extra rest I felt more at ease but I still felt like I was a stranger in this new world.

When the drs asked how I was doing, I said, “fine” and made a baby poop joke. If family managed to ask, which they rarely did, I said fine as well. Because admitting how scared you are just meant you aren’t fit for motherhood.

My husband wanted to extend the baby nurse one more week,  I think he was as scared as me. But I declined, I in a few words basically told him, I had to get used to being alone with her.

So, baby nurse gone, husband back at work, and visitors stopped coming. So, it was just me and her. I had to find a way to make friends with my child. Literally had to have pep talks with my daughter about us having a good day and getting to know each other. Because no matter how much experience I had with children,  nothing prepared me for motherhood.

I should admit, I was lucky to have a few friends that called and visited that shared with me how life was scary for them in the beginning.  Those ladies are my ride or die mommas for life.  If we had the time, we’d get matching tattoos of baby bottles or something in the like.

Eventually it started getting better, a lot better. We had a routine,  naps together,  we were finally synced. I longer felt like an outsider. However,  now at 2 years old, she’s daddy’s best friend but that’s for another time.

I thought I had this all under control… then 6 months later,  my brother got sick. I did a lot of running back and forth to the hospital, stopped breastfeeding. I was on the “we’re going to beat this” train and I was pushing full speed ahead without stop.

As he got sicker later in the year, my anxiety became me. I’d get numb, dry mouth and a feeling of suffocation, when we discussed his declining health.  I didn’t want to burden my family with any of this so instead I became overly paranoid that God would take my child from me next. I guess, I had to focus on something else other than what was in front of me.

Sure,  it sounds crazy but it was what I was dealing with constantly. It’s been almost a year since my brother’s passing, I don’t regret not seeking help but just as I had to get used to being a mother,  I wanted to do this myself.  I made my own hole and was determined to find my own way out.

After his death, I had 2 months between jobs, I hung out with my daughter, met up with my friends that were really there for me. I gave myself pep talks again. My goal was to feel like myself again.  And I was determined to not allow my child only know sadness or my anxiety, it’s part of life but it’s unfair to make her think it’s all of life. I didn’t want her first year to be filled with the pain I was suffering from. And so we started dance parties in the kitchen, I started plopping her on my countertop while I cooked, I let her be silly when she wanted to and stopped worrying what people would think. I stopped thinking I’d be punished for being happy. It’s not what my brother would have wanted.

Fast forward almost a year later and we’re in a far different place, better but I allow myself to have breaks from motherhood. I tell my husband to handle it and stop throwing it all on my shoulders. I’m lucky that he understands and doesn’t question my mini breaks. Even if it is to let mommy pee in the bathroom by herself.

No one is the perfect mother, I don’t care what they think or believe. We all have our goods days and bad. My anxiety will never go away, but I no longer want to be ashamed of it. I’m not perfect nor is life.

 

—Jax

Terrible twos

I officially have a 2 year old. No turning back now, it’s all full speed ahead on life. Btw,  every time I say the words out loud that she’s 2, I feel like I’ve made an awful mistake in counting months.

Alas, she turned two, and I decided I had enough of watching her pommel horse her crib railing from the monitor and just go all in to a toddler bed.

First night was night was rough getting her to stay in bed, because with an easy access to an exit, why stay in bed?

Second night, she was slightly better and we started a real routine. Third night was on track till she woke up at 1am, screaming bloody murder and crawling into our bed. She kept crying for two more hours until the finally asked for a cookie. I still don’t know what happened,  but I was begging her to let us sleep.

She’s now taken to negotiations. It goes something like this:

Me: it’s time for bed, let’s lie down with George  (her knock off Curious George monkey from build a bear)

Her: (wiggles her tush to the opening of her bed rail, leans towards me) mommy,  ok, (gibberish) mommy wait, ok, let’s go.

Apparently this chick thinks I want to party with her. Not happening.  We go back and forth, and I sing her some songs until she finally passes out.

Fast forward to the next week and it’s only getting worse. I’m going to cave, I’m going to stop watching YouTube clips of super nanny, stop reading mommy blogs and call a sleep specialist.  Because mommy and daddy work full time and they are bone tired.

Plus, I started limiting my carbs, so it’s been amazing timing as you can imagine. Needless to say I am cranky and I’ve turned into “screams at my child” mom. A mom that I never wanted to be. So, all in. Will let you guys know if we can break two years of terrible sleep habits.
–Jax

Month of hell

3 weeks ago I caught a cold from my coworkers. It was a hell beast of a cold.  Started with 4 days burning throat then runny nose, coughing -all sinused out. A week later I passed said awful cold to my daughter,  that Friday, I woke to a ballooned and sealed eye. I sat in urgent care with my daughter for two hours so I can get pink eye drops. The young receptionist thought it would be funny, after my two hours of waiting to ask, “if I needed a cage for my child?” Because no 2 year old would whine and complain about being made to sit for 2 hours. I gave this young lady the look of death and she fled the scene. If only I wasn’t so sick, I would have waited on her to return to give her a piece of my mind but they called my name to finally see the dr and I opted ro send feedback via email which the business chose to ignore. So, that was our long Christmas break weekend. 

The following week, my daughter’s eye puffed up and my husband took her to the dr. After our fabulous weekend of staying on lock down during new years eve, I returned to work on Tuesday and came home to discover that daughter was covered in hives. Which led to a fight with the nanny over why didn’t she call me? That’s a whole other issue in itself.  Since it was 6pm, I reached the answering service and couldn’t get an appointment till the next day. Though, we discovered that benadryl which we’ve never given her, makes her bounce off the walls hyper. Because fml. Next day, I left my office early to take her to the dr, luckily the hives were from the virus she had but guess what? She’s got an ear infection.  Mazel tov,  our first ear infection! That night she woke at 4am asking me for chicken and pancakes,  we settled on crackers but she had the energy of 10 men and we didn’t go back to sleep till 6am. But it’s ok, I haven’t slept well in weeks due to my hacking cough, so it’s totally… ok. 

Last night, while I was trying to check her for hives and get dinner ready, my daughter running at top speed for however fast her little legs could take her trips and goes face first into a door jam.  She bite her inside lip and bruised her gum, and she wouldn’t let me put ice on her face so I let her suck on ice cubes. Then after being a nightmare to put to bed, which was understabale considering what happened she woke up at 3am screaming and didn’t pass out till 5am. I did however, lay in bed crying before husband came home because why not? To which my daughter told me, “oh no kying”. Then left me alone in the dark. 

So I’m officially done with parenting because I don’t think I could fail any further. 

While I hate sitting here and just venting it’s normal and needed. And stop telling me I have an “easy” child. 

Side note, happy belated holidays.
–Jax

Weekend blitz

Between full time work and full time motherhood,  I find that my weekends are always packed. I always seem to baffle my husband when I wake up 7am sunday morning and go grocery shopping.  Mainly because he points out that, I “just went shopping” and because he thinks family grocery store trips are better. They are not.

So, when weekend comes around, I never just think of the fun stuff we can do. I’m making my “to do” lists. Between heading back and forth between home and family,  a lot of my to do list gets pushed aside.  Which, end of day I’m fine with, I want my daughter to have a healthy relationship with all her grandparents and family.

But what bothers me most is when I can’t do the basics for my own child.  Like when we’re delayed and traveling that her schedule is completely off track. We lose all sense of lunchtime and naps. My husband has no clue why this bothers me so, because end of day my daughter is “fine”.  But as a mother,  I’m given a basic list of things that should be done- must do: feed child, clean child and happy child.

This past weekend everything went astray-everything.  We got delayed by events, it was already past 2pm and no lunch was in sight.  I did the only thing I could do, I fed my child popcorn,  pretzels and a plum organics pouch in the back seat of the car while my husband drove us home. I then proceeded to feel like the shittiest parent in the universe. Follow this up with her diaper being so full and leaking from the pressure of the car seat harness. My baby was full of junk food and smelling like urine and let’s admit, I had no one to blame but myself.

After a bath, dinner and bedtime.  I decided to have a “conversation” with my husband about the shit we are required to do as parents.  His argument was, she was fine at the end of the day. My argument was, as mentioned above,  we are required to do the basics and I hated that we failed. I hated that I didn’t speak up and insist we leave earlier. I hated that I lost my voice in order to not be pegged as the bad guy.

End of day, yes, she was fine. And I can’t control all situations. I can shake off the shade that others throw at me but when it comes to self guilt it’s oh so hard.

Guilt.

Let’s bring it to the table. Let’s be incredibly honest and have a heart to heart. Here is a list of things I feel guilty about on a daily basis:

• Going to work / really liking my job making it ok to leave my child with someone else.
• Paying limited attention to my child when I’m cooking or cleaning when I come home.
• Forgetting to buy x, y & z for the baby, husband or house and having to improvise. 
• Thinking about the future (buy a house? Where to live? School? More kids?) instead of being present in the moment.
• Not making it to the gym/not losing that baby weight.
• Pretending to sleep so my husband gets the baby.  (Sorry, not sorry)
• Wanting to sleep in instead of getting up at crack of dawn with my child on weekends.
•  Not being super strict on bedtime or letting her cry it out, knowing  I’ll pay for it later.
• Shopping for myself instead of for child, husband, kitchen, house.
• Hiding in another room while I eat ice cream because I just don’t want to share.

I constantly struggle with this every single day.  Sometimes I just want to flip a table and have total RHONJ Teresa moment but then I’d feel guilty about the mess. We, as mothers, lift ourselves to this high standard that I’m pretty sure our families & friends will never understand. And regardless if you’re a stay at home or working parent, the struggle is real. 

After my brother’s passing,  I had some “time off” from work, mainly because our team was laid off. I spent a lot of time with my daughter and handling my brother’s estate.  Though most importantly, I spent time with friends, with and without our kids because I needed that time to feel human again.  The last year of my life was spent running back and forth to see my brother in the hospital,  freaking out constantly if he didn’t return a text. Just living in a constant state of panic and suffering silently from panic attacks. On top of all this, I constantly felt like I was missing so much with my own child because I was constantly distracted by my own fear. After he passed, I had to find myself again, I had to piece together my family again. 

I started to do something. For the sake of my family, my marriage and myself,  I’m going to stop giving two f*cks about what I “should” be doing.

I didn’t want to waste the precious time we have in this world with worrying about others, I just wanted to refocus on what makes my family happy. 

So I began a list of the things I am stopping to achieve for:

•  Being a pintrest mom, I’m just not crafty. Let’s watch Sesame Street together instead.
• Shaming myself for not losing my baby weight. I had a pretty shitty /stressful/traumatic post partum year. I didnt make it to the gym (infant,  full time job and going back and forth to the hospital.) I’m cutting myself slack finally. I’m not giving up,  just reconfiguring the plan. 
• Giving my child 100% of my attention ALL the time, especially when mommy needs some “me” time. 
• Cooking every single night, the occasional pizza/sushi/shawarma has been ordered so, I get a break. 
• Over thinking / stressing. This one is a tough one to break. It’s stI’ll a work in progress.
• Falling into that deep hole known as mommy drama. Here’s my plan, you raise yours, I’ll raise mine and we both hope for the best. I’m too old for high school drama.
• Not taking care of myself.  For the first time in a long time, I’m buying clothing for myself because if I look/feel good it’s better for my health and sanity. 

The thing is, I’ve got to set a good example for my daughter. I want her to know that her mother loves her but she also has a life of her own. That being strong, independent, successful are not things to be shamed for. And while she just may be only 20 months and we’ve got a lot more learning and growing to go, so far, she’s an awesome little one. 

How to Grieve

Grieving is hard no matter how it happens, when it happens or why it happens. Grieving is even harder when you want to sit on the floor and cry but instead you need to chase your 1.5 year old. Almost two months ago, I lost my brother to leukemia, he was only 39 years old, he fought and lost his battle within the year. He never had the chance to be a father but he was an uncle and unofficial uncle to all his friends’ children.

People keep telling me how good it is that my daughter doesn’t understand but they don’t understand the sorrow I feel that she’ll never know my only brother. I watch my 9 year old nephew suffer with trying to understand and trying to come to terms. He has moments of sadness and anger because life made him grow up too fast. I see this and think, I hate that he is suffering but at least he has the memories.

I was born last and on the later end in my parents life, so I missed out on 3 out of 4 grandparents,  several aunts, uncles and cousins.  I have no memories of them and those that passed in my youth. My parents and relatives didn’t speak of the dead, maybe a passing story but here and there but I never fully knew them.

My husband’s sister passed away 14 years before we met, he mentioned it in passing while we were dating.  His family didn’t really speak of her, though her children embody her physical and emotional characteristics from what I could gather. One day, we were sitting with the whole family and I encouraged my husband to share stories about his sister. It felt good but I saw the sorrow that brushed across my in laws face.  I saw the weight of her death he carried with him, from our wedding day to the birth of our daughter and now to the death of my brother.

I fully understand why they never spoke of her in length, why my parents never spoke of their past relatives.  Because time heals all wounds but the scar will always remain.

I’m grateful my husband forced us to take pictures, baby weight gain had made me camera shy and my brother never liked being in front of the camera. I hate that many of the pictures had iv poles and hospital rooms in the background.  But those pictures of him and my daughter, the smile pasted on his face as he held his niece, I can’t begin to explain how much joy they bring me.

I struggle with how to keep his memory alive and how will I tell my daughter when she’s older about the uncle and aunt she’ll never know. I want to tell her about the bands he introduced me to, about how we successfully convinced my mother to let us keep our cat to the times we fought over the stupidest things. I want to share stories about her grandfather, my father, and how funny, smart and strong willed he was. I want my husband to share memories of his sister. I don’t want the dead to be strangers in her life.

This is all I can hope for.

Gear Talk: Your First Stroller

I belong to a Facebook stroller group, we’re all self admitted stroller junkies. We talk endlessly about strollers, other people’s strollers, features we love and hate, our ‘fleets’, and of course we give a lot of advice. My first, yes first,  I have more strollers than children, stroller was given via the Big City Moms event platinum ticket purchase. So, I never had the experience of going to a store and picking my own stroller. I took what I got for free and ran with it,  I was lucky however that it was a good stroller.

In the first few months that I was using my (free) stroller I found myself having a wandering eye, checking out other stroller’s basket space, air tires and canopy. It became this strange obsession of, what stroller is that? and does it have a feature I wish mine had? I literally found myself staring at other strollers and ignoring the mother and child, like a total creeper. Which is why I turned to the FB group to have a judgement free (ok, sometimes we’re judgy, it’s Facebook afterall) place to explore my love of all things baby gear with some awesome fellow mommies. And yes, I still stare at strollers but now I’m more discreet.

I asked them to share their advice for any parent out there seeking a stroller and this is what these Queens had to say:

Monique P “Don’t be afraid to buy used. You save a ton of money which allows you to get a better stroller. Just make sure you know what you want/need before you buy.”

Vanessa M “Definitely consider where and how often you’ll be using your stroller. Some women walk everyday through parks, gravel, grass and bad pavement. Others use their strollers through malls or small quick trips. I think this will help you narrow down what type of stroller you’d like/need.”

Genevieve M“I’d add: Don’t limit your stroller options based on what comes as a travel system with the infant car seat you want. You want a stroller that will outlast the infant seat, many strollers have adapters available for most infant car seats, and it’s better for an infant to lay on a flat stroller seat or be in a bassinet/carrycot than to be in the car seat if you’re doing anything longer than a quick trip.”

Sylvia F “Consider storage – if the only spot you have is your trunk, do you really need that bugaboo?”

Jessica B “Is it something you can open and close alone? Can you lift it in your trunk? What’s the fold like? Is it going to take up your whole trunk? Do you have to take the seat off every time you close it? Where will your diaper bag go? The only thing I didn’t do was bring a full diaper bag with me to test where it would go in the stroller. Big mistake (otherwise I would have loved my cam)”

Abigail B “Buy with your family in mind. Are you planning on having more than one baby? Then one that can grow with your growing family by adding a rumble seat or riding board might be a good option (uppababy vista, britax be ready, etc).”

Eli M“If the infant car seat snaps into a toddler seat, you will be pushing the weight of two seats when you only need one.”

Dana V“Definitely the fold ! I asked at baby stores if I could try the different strollers in my trunk as I only had a compact car at the time and they were more than willing! I also agree do not get hung up on travel systems .. I did and now wish I would have gone for a higher end stroller in the first place . I didn’t think it was important to me to have a reversible seat but changed my mind on that as well once my babe outgrew the travel system. Buying used is a great option.. Also STORAGE! This was something I didn’t think I really needed and my first stroller had a tiny basket and I cursed it ! Lol .. I never knew how much I would use a large basket until I got my city select !” 

Julie S “I just looked up the advice I got from a friend when I was pregnant, after telling her about my overwhelming first trip to BBB. “Totally go back and push them around. Fold them. Open them. See how tall they are folded. Cause one of our strollers never fit in [my husbands] trunk! Same with car seats. Snap em in, cause you do it a hundred times a day.” – I especially like the car seat part. If you can, make sure you test the car seat with the stroller. Some are easier to get in/out than others. And be sure to test pushing them with weight in them. Go grab a heavy item nearby to see how the push really is – everything pushes well with no baby on smooth floors. LOL!”

And in case you’re wondering what my fleet contains…. it’s the Britax Affinity (free), Jane Nanuq (on sale),  and Bob Rev Se (gently used and less than half the price off CL)…. and just one baby. — Jax

What I’ve learned so far…

After you have the baby,  everyone tells you about the life changing emotions you’ll feel as a mother but no one tells you the truth about what life is like. So I figured I’d drop some knowledge and some TMI moments.

1. Stink: Your deodorant won’t work.  It’s ok, you probably haven’t had time for a shower either so chances are you smell regardless.  Once your hormones start balancing out again,  it will get better and you won’t smell as much but I can’t promise you’ll shower more.

2. Blood: You will bleed like crazy so take all those pads, mesh undies and whatever else the hospital nurses offer you. It tapers down but prepare for a heavy month long period.  And after 40 weeks of not having one, it will be mind blowing. 

3. Sleep: Eventually you’ll get used to the new sleep schedule.  Your baby will wake up (if they sleep) after 2-3 hours on breastmilk or formula.  They won’t adjust,  so you have to. It sucks but eventually,  no real time frame,  it becomes routine.

 

4. Poop: Heads up, it’s projectile- I had no clue that if you take your time putting on their diaper chances are they will poop and/or pee on you. And while for boys pee goes up, for girls it goes all over.  So, my advice to you is buy more than two change pad covers.

5. More Poop: Since we are discussing poop anyway, the first poop after an epidural C-Section/Vaginal will be more painful than the birth (I may be exaggerating but when you’re so tired everything is exaggerated) . It’s all the meds clogging you up, so take whatever softeners the hospital gives you and brace yourself. *Foods that may help- squash, grapes, raisins, apples, oranges, mango- just in case you don’t want any more meds.

6. Don’t Mind Me: People will only ask about the baby and it’s ok because she/he is new and people are excited, it lasts that way for a while until something else more exciting happens. I’m 8 months of being ignored by everyone, I’m ok with it actually. *Experiences of being ignored may vary.

7. Cry: Your spouse/partner most likely will not wake to a baby’s cry, I can’t explain why but my husband would sleep so very soundly every night. Eventually as my baby got older and began to sleep longer, I got to sleep through the lost pacifier 5 minute wake ups or I am just too tired and ignore them. Granted, there are some partners’ with bat like hearing that wake up but they are probably as equally tired as you, so don’t be upset if they don’t wake; just let them have the morning shift instead #babyreverge.

8. Energy: Don’t give the stink eye to a mother with more energy than you, you will get the hang of this whole motherhood thing and life gets better. If it doesn’t then start asking for help whether it be your partner/ friend/ family/ neighbor- it’s ok, “it takes a village” is so damn true. And don’t roll your eyes too hard and hurt yourself when someone kindly suggests to sleep when the baby sleeps. It’s cute but not real most times.

9: Advice: Everyone wants to share even when you aren’t even asking. I’ve learned to just say thank you and move on, because it takes more energy to fight them. Take the advice from those you trust and find a bucket for the advice for those you don’t trust and leave it there. It’s very easy to get emotional and upset especially after the pregnancy but less drama is better, you have your hands full.

10. Baby Weight: Just because some celeb got back into their pre-baby weight/body in 3 months doesn’t mean you have to. Unless you have a chef, nanny, wet nurse, personal trainer and housekeeper- then you have no excuses. 

11. Daycare/Nannies: don’t dread it if you chose/have to go back to work. No matter what you do you will not see 100% eye to eye with whomever is caring for your child and I’m talking family or stranger. Sometimes you just need to let the little things slide and see the bigger goals. 

12: Clothing: One thing I have really learned is don’t buy clothing too far ahead! When my daughter was 3 months old I went wild at The Children’s Place because they were having a $4 blowout sale. I stocked up on shirts, bottoms and dresses that all don’t fit her because I timed them wrong. She’s taller than average (which you don’t know at 3 months) so, now at 8 months my daughter wears 9 months or 9-12 months, which means I have clothing that I washed (don’t wash so far in advance either) that I am stuck with so unless we have another girl next, this may be a nice healthy size bag going to a charity. 

–Jax

The Shock of Motherhood

Everyone kept telling me that when I was going into labor, “I’d know”. Like, a magical force was going to wash over me and just guide me through the whole situation, because after all I was supposed to “know”.

I did not “know”, so after 3 days of having false contractions and being 4 days early, I was in complete denial that I was in labor.

I woke up at 5am with a stomachache, had back pain at 9am with 10-minute contractions, and after 11am we were heading to our OBGYN because “something doesn’t feel right”. It turned out that “something” was me being 5cm along. My water broke in the doctor’s office and I had a prolapsed cord. Shortly thereafter, I had my child via emergency c-section by 1pm.

I honestly didn’t care that I was having a c-section, I didn’t have a birth plan- my thinking was, that I would do whatever is best for the baby, so I left it all in doctor’s capable hands. Till this day I can’t tell you if that was dumb or brilliant.

The recovery was long and it was hard to be so slowed down – especially when you have a newborn, family coming over and a very, very panicked husband. Since the baby was 4 days early we never bought diapers, wipes or rash cream. At least we had a few cute outfits! We were first time parents, so everyone “allowed us” a pass on this faux pas. I think for the first two weeks, we were simply in shock that we were parents despite the whole 40 weeks of pregnancy.

There was the first evening when we were home from the hospital, and I tried breastfeeding a screaming newborn at 1am and all she did was continue to scream endlessly and turn bright red as if she would burst into flames at any given moment. Waking up every two hours when you can barely move and being given a hungry child while you are too tired to eat yourself was beyond my limits. My attempts through the daytime were similar; but at least in the daytime, she slept while she tried to eat and things felt maybe more manageable.

That first night, I also panicked because my other breast was leaking. No one told me I shouldn’t sleep braless and no one told me that the other breast leaks/pours/gushes! So, I woke up with a shirt stuck to me because I was too tired to change my top.

I felt overwhelmed and lost. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a handle on things and it was beyond frightening.

My poor husband stood there helpless and I couldn’t blame him; because this stranger was in our house demanding things and we were at her whim. For all her coos and chubbiness, she was not a merciful ruler when she was hungry. I still laugh when I think of the people that said, “sleep when she sleeps” – it was cute in theory. I was just happy that she liked to sleep and I could get a moment to try to take this all in.

It took me a while, and I don’t think I handled the first few weeks well. I didn’t eat or sleep and I was pretty terrible at showering. People will laugh and say, that’s normal for new parents – no, it’s not. I didn’t let my husband help because if I did, that meant I was a bad mother. And I didn’t want to be a bad mother, so I was doing a terrible job trying to hold up the world while recovering from a major operation. Slowly but surely, I started letting him help because I was literally drowning.

I can’t say the first few weeks were magical and perfect- we certainly were not a pampers commercial! I got shitted and peed on more times than I care to admit. But, somehow it came together and I finally started getting a routine and feeling human again. Now, 7 months later, I can’t imagine a world without her.

–Jax